—Deepak Chopra (via mindofataurus)

(via celestial-skeletons)

I really feel like I’m onto something… but as it is right now, I’m still doing trial and error. It’s still so easy to slip back into a subservient mindset (the one I’ve had for the past twenty years) but I’m really focusing on prioritizing and making life better for myself. What I have to remember is that I come first, and it’s hard because I’m still struggling with appreciating all the hard work I do for myself. And when I help others, they’re usually grateful for the most part, so I feel more rewarded from that process. It really is all mindset and determination to find the most efficient way to live. So every day until it’s a habit, my goal is to live for myself. :)

Asked 2 days ago

something about the way the media portrays certain ‘expensive’ careers (doctors, lawyers, scientists, researchers, etc.) really discourages people from trying to reach that ideal.

but really… it’s not that difficult. it’s just reading and comprehension. and you should have learned that in grade school. Some more advanced classes might require you to go back and refresh your memory (or some shit) but it’s still… not that difficult. you just have to be committed to EVERY decision you make. you have to make every decision with resolve. and you have to want it.

and you have to be willing to dedicate time and effort to accomplishing your goal. but if you maintain it, it will pay off. that’s maturity. realizing that instant gratification is simply that, and the real gratification is feeling proud of yourself for having accomplished such a ‘difficult’ task.

you have a brain, and a body, just like all the other surgeons and presidents and lawyers and chemists and anthropologists etc. you have the same capabilities. the only reason you don’t achieve is because you lack motivation and love for yourself. FIND THEM ASAP. because i wasted a large chunk of time in my life being depressed about everything. problem solve. work it out, and get motivated to actually live your life. things aren’t so complicated, and you’re just as good for the job as anyone else. :)

Posted 2 days ago

TUMBLR!

i want to either write a book or renovate this blog… actually i’ll go blog and then maybe book it if people enjoy it. :)

anyways, these things have been floating in my mind lately and i believe they have the potential to improve the lives of those who are willing and ready to live better, but can’t grasp onto the idea of faith in God to fix all their problems. it’s my guide for those who don’t want to rely on prayer to solve everything. basically i would discuss things such as;

• body shame; societal rules like over-sexualization of women in the media and the concept of modesty

• brainwashed to buy happiness; told we aren’t good enough so they can take our dollars

• take world at face value - there are no smoke and mirror tricks; it is what it is

• problem solving in our minds and organizing the way you perceive things and the way you solve internal conflicts

• second guessing and self confidence

• the poison ruining the world - the media and the way they set the standard in space (way too fucking high), therefore everyone feels inferior and unhappy that they are inferior. which leads to companies selling products to increase happiness, which they don’t, so you keep buying more shit

• all you need to be happy - confidence, life problem solving skills, and love for yourself
• productivity and goals - how they keep us satisfied; achievements keep up self confidence
• clutter and uncertainty - how to be completely confident in everything you do
• oh - and things piling up - do things right when they happen
• actually putting it into practice - takes a leap, you have to be ready to accept the change in lifestyle
• everything changes when you change
• when you see the good in yourself, you look for the good in others; and you become real. you really are genuinely nice- you don’t ‘fake’ it. you wake up happy and go to sleep happy when you’re able to work through your problems.
• even more!

obviously i’m not a professional, but i’m also a human, which means my experiences are similar to those of others. if they are in the mindset i was in a year ago, this stuff might really help them. it’s about being able to work through problems. life is problem after problem, and the secret is to enjoy every second of it by living in the moment.

so what do you guys think? would tumblr be interested in a blog about developing life skills?

Posted 1 week ago

well, now i know why i went so long in ‘inappropriate’ dress at work. my therapist taught me how to take things at face value and move on, so that’s what the fuck i did. and everything was wonderful and everyone was so lovely. now all their fucking comments make sense. ‘ooh robin, got a boyfriend?’ ‘who are you all dressed up for?’ and other similar bullshit. but i told every single one of them i did it for myself, so they can all suck my motherfucking dick. get on my level, bitches. confidence off the charts. try and do me. try.

now i need to focus on taking things with grains of salt. maybe rock salt. what i need to conceptualize is how to differentiate between the real ass niggas and the fake ass punk bitches. but fuck, that lesson was extremely difficult and embarrassing to learn.

this girl i know. she was hella cool in the beginning and we had a couple heart to hearts buuut halfway through maymester she starts doing her homework with this retarded ass dude who she didn’t want to do it with the first time, because he didn’t contribute. and i’m out of the group i suppose. so what the fuck frances? i could have changed your life so much! i would have helped you work out your personal problems and you could help me work myself out! i thought you were cool as hell! and super glamorous. i suppose we’ll see if you talk to me after maymester. i’ll text you, twice tops. we’ll see how judgmental you really are. i want to believe your as chill and real as i want you to be.

but that’s another thing. people don’t do what i expect and it’s so frustrating! people are variables.

oh my MIND FUCK! and this is why i let my coworker fucking use the shit outta me.

okay so i don’t like being critical of others, i enjoy accommodating them, i take what they say at face value, i’m much more sincere now, and i’m often too hard on myself. this is the fucking mess that is my life. this means that when i accommodate them (this person i automatically think is awesome because they are a human being and i want them to treat me the same way) and they’re critical rather than grateful, i take that at face value, i’m sincerely hurt by their nasty words, and i internalize it, because it was my fault. it was my fault that i didn’t do it right, and they didn’t appreciate me going out of my way to make their day better. this is where i give a big FUCK YOU to all the people who think it’s okay to take advantage of kindness. you’re the reason the world is such a pile of shit. FUCK YOU!

but i don’t really mean it, i just want to change the world now and give everyone the opportunity to be as economically profitable in happiness as possible. i’m not even fucking kidding. happiness and confidence are the best drugs out there. they’re the difference between living life and going through the motions.

i don’t like the fact that i have to be critical of other people. that’s the other thing. so things i need to remember-

1. i don’t like the fact that i have to be critical of other people.
2. i need to focus on taking things with grains of salt.
3. i take what they say at face value.
4. i’m much more sincere now, so when they say hurtful things, they actually hurt. when embarrassing shit happens, i’m fucking embarrassed! i don’t have any armor anymore. that’s what i need to discuss with my therapist next time.
5. i’m still too hard on myself sometimes.
6. i internalize all the criticism i receive, even when it’s stupid and nonsensical.
7. people are unpredictable!
8. everyone gets at least one chance to try and come into my life. (and i’ll only try once with you; if you ain’t ready for this jelly, then sucks to be you) - but if you attempt to hurt me verbally or physically or try to take advantage, you can go ahead and bite the fucking pavement because i’m curb-stomping your bitch ass.
9. i’m not wasting my time on those who don’t want to spend time on me, or those who try to hurt me. one shot people. one. 
10. i want to research problem solving skills and development classes in grade school later, because something needs to be done about this shit.

now i’m going to quit living in the past and embrace what is. and the way i want to do that is by incorporating yoga into my life. :) the first exercise sort of activity that i’m already pretty good at! my first time doing yoga was today, and the instructor said i should take some of his courses and become a yoga instructor. i was so flattered! haha. but the shit he taught was legit. i was so relaxed! it was awesome. 

okay okay last thing from today- last revelation. another reason i’ve been feeling so shitty is that i went from 6 caffeine drinks a day to 2, and my body does nooot like it one bit. i can’t focus, i’m constantly second guessing myself, i caught myself freaking out about my outfit while i was out, i start doing something and suddenly remember something else i have to do, so i stop doing whatever i was doing. so i’ve decided to wait until a week break from work to do it to it. and i don’t want to waste the sodas i already have.

this shit all happened in one day. and took me an hour to write up. shit.

Posted 1 week ago

hopefully this will be my new post time… either in the morning or at night. but i’m about to be late so i gotta hurry!

anyways i purged three times yesterday. i hated every second of it. i hated myself for subjecting myself to it. but i’m done. i’m moving forward and today is going to be good, i know it.

i’m refocusing my life on my budget, investments, and computer science. no more focusing on preschool outside of preschool, i’m done with that.

Posted 1 week ago

i miss tumblr.

i broke down at work yesterday because my coworker’s been taking advantage of me. i’ve been doing two jobs, and she still manages to find time to undercut me and criticize all the work i’ve been trying to do while she’s off planning (not doing her JOB) for her next project.

anyways i got to the point where i was about to walk out of my job. she walked into the room and was like, ‘we have so much to do, we might have to stay late on thursday.’ (the day when we clean and transition to new rooms) and that was the point in my head when i finally achieved the don’t give a fuck attitude about work. so i cried my eyeballs out, walked into the office to ask my boss for the rest of the day off to gather myself and look at my options, and i have a doctors appointment today so i took the day off.

i still don’t know how to cope, so i got blazed as fuck, overate a little last night and thought about purging. (now when i think about it, i really don’t want to do it) instead i fell asleep on my bed, but i still feel like shit from all that food.

i’m going to write a letter to my boss with all of that information in it. my coworker knows i smoke weed and she could use that against me, but it’s like medication. worse comes to worst, i get fired and a shit ton of stress slides off my shoulders. whatever. i’m just done putting up with other people’s bullshit.

or maybe i should just wait until next week (wednesday is the last day i have to work with her) and just let it go. i think i’ll write the letter detailing everything i’ve been putting up with but also let them know that i’m fine until i can be in my own room. except i’m not cleaning up all her bullshit.

another thing i’m trying to work on is how to be honest and deliver constructive criticism without being mean or sounding like you know it all. especially to someone twice your age. fuck dude. life is such a bitch sometimes. i remember thinking sunday about how content i was… murphy’s law, i suppose.

i’m still fucking pissed though, when someone accommodates you that doesn’t mean you take advantage of them, silly selfish bitch. you do what the fuck you’re getting paid for, and enjoy the fact that it makes someone else happy to make your day a little bit better.

Posted 1 week ago

i never have time to update this anymore, but i want to. so now i have to cram it all before work in ten minutes. so no alliterations or witty banter this time.

it’s been crazy, guys. it’s like, years have passed. i feel amazing, i shower every day, i dress up, i smoke weed all the fucking time, i quit smoking, i cut back on my caffeine, i have a planner, my room and bathroom are spotless, and i’m eating a balanced diet.

and i’m going on my first date tonight :) in short, over the span of a month i’ve completely turned my life around.

everything is so different when you finally decide to stop treating yourself like shit. people enjoy your company more. you enjoy your company more. everything is easier to handle when you have the tools to deal with things like criticism and bullying.

and im not plagued by food thoughts as much anymore. i have to consciously make the decision to binge now, and it’s never a cycle anymore. it’s just one. and i don’t think that will last much longer either.

go to a therapist so you can start living as soon as possible, thanks :)

also, you have to want it. there was shit that i was so afraid to do that i had to do. honestly though, this is the best decision i’ve ever made, to finally be happy with who i am and love myself.

sooo i want to keep updating this blog, but if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to inbox me. and shout out to blissmanifesto for aiding me to reach the mindset i needed to begin therapy. i don’t know where i would be if you hadn’t reached out. :)

Posted 2 weeks ago

i had a revelation today.

the reason i’m in a better state of mind is because i’ve discovered how to look at things objectively and see them for what they really are. and if i am biased, i can recognize it. it’s such a relief to notice people’s insecurities, and not be bedazzled by their glamorous lifestyles. and to be able to act crazy at work around my kids, because life’s short. so it should be fun. and if that means making a complete ass of yourself in front of three year olds, so be it. i don’t know. when your life is completely on all the time and your living by the clock and the hours always drag between work and school and sleep… you have to find time to see the little things and appreciate them. be observant about the interactions around you. notice things, because literally everything has changed since yesterday. take in the minutes, look around you and appreciate the fact that everything is fleeting. 

when you’re objective, and not seeing through a veil of preconceived notions and melodramatic emotions you begin to appreciate everything in a new light; it all looks different and more true to what it really is. these are the sort of things i subconsciously knew but was never aware of. 

my life, my life. this is it. why not hang out with all the different cultures of people, all the different colors and regions and traditions and religions and fucking cultures? and social culture! i long to be bourgeoisie, just to have a vacation in the life of a young, rich, affluent woman. who earned all of her own money. but i want my next venture to be into hipster territory. i have a feeling i’ll be right at home; my preconceived notions tell me that hipsters aren’t short of melodrama and weirdness. 

Posted 1 month ago

anything can happen. There’s no limit to the places you can go or the number of people you can connect with and potentially change their lives. I’m tired of mourning over the lives I’ll never have and the universal knowledge I’ll never possess. This is my one life to do with as I please. And I want to use it to change those around me, to leave an imprint of myself on their mind, to challenge their traditional thoughts and make them question everything they know. I want to be myself completely, so completely that there’s no room for self doubt or body shame. I want others to realize that I’m different because I’m being me, being as real as I can. Not trying to front, or be fake about what I look like or the things I enjoy. People notice self confidence. I want to radiate it, now.

Posted 1 month ago